26 February 2015

This uni gig


I got a date for my diary last week.
The 23rd of May.
The day I finish my degree.

It's a weird thought. I remember when I first arrived in Durham those finalists told me how the time would fly by. I didn't believe them. But here I am, on the downhill slope and my word how it has gone quickly! It feels like yesterday I was packing up to head up North or just a minute ago my friends and I were living together in our little house.
Three years has rushed by in great dollops, those red letter moments characterising the years.

Elise Blaha wrote a post the other day about how she doesn't feel any different the older she gets.
It really resonated with me because I feel just like that.
I remember getting to Durham and looking up at the Third years with respect and admiration. There they were, writing dissertations, applying to jobs, a few of them engaged. At the time I just accepted it. I saw them as the grown ups with nearly three years of university life on their shoulders.

But now I'm there, in the same position and I feel, just like me.
Just like the 'me' who arrived in Durham in 2012. Sure, I have learnt a lot and grown up in many ways but I don't feel like an 'adult'.
And I wonder if I ever will feel like an adult?
Today I took a step back and looked at where I am now. I'm writing possibly the longest piece of work I will ever turn in at university. I have a position on a course next year which will train me for a job. I have a long term boyfriend who is coming to join me here in the next year.
That sounds very grown up.
But I don't feel it. It feels like a game. Like we used to play make believe when we were little.

It makes me smile really.
We look up to those who are that step further down the 'life landmarks' than us and think they know it all. Or I do at least.
Now i'm here, i'm not so sure. And I think that's nice in a way. That we (or maybe just me) are muddling through in our own merry way, acting out this 'adult' thing and really just feeling like 'us'.

So tell me, is it just me or do you not feel like an 'adult' yourself? Does that feeling ever change? Discuss!

16 comments:

Maggie said...

Don't worry Abi. I am now in my 50s and I still don't feel grown up although I do sometimes wonder why they are employing school boys as policemen and doctors!
I remember that end of student life so well. Leaving all your friends and being launched into the world. Don't worry I see regularly meet up with my bunch of friends and we are still all the same as ever!

Lizzy Hill said...

I think the only time I felt grown up was when I had to discipline my kids. Then I really WAS the adult - making decisions & choices that I knew would affect the lives and psyches of others sort of makes the gig a little serious. Otherwise. Heck! I still turn up the radio, wind down the window & 'dance' as I'm driving along. Sometimes!!! The muddling along never alters. Cos time always brings new changes that we have to sort of find our way through....

scrappyjacky said...

Like Lizzie....it's mainly when dealing with my children that I feel like a grown up....the rest of the time I just feel like me!!

Susanne said...

Given that I am twice your age, yes, I feel like an adult. But I think there is happiness in never feeling your age, never feeling the years have made you wiser at the expense of making you older. Think young, always!

Cosmic said...

As a petite aka short**** I don't identify with this term(feel like a kid:)at all!

Ruth said...

Ha, I'm in my mid-40s and have never felt like a grown up (which is plain silly, because in the past I've held down extremely responsible jobs). Great post!

Sian said...

Do I honestly have to answer this?! If I say I don't feel grown up my kids will say I'm just creepy. But I think I just feel the same. I like the same things I liked as a teenager..I'm still the same "me" just with more stuff to do before I can do the things I like doing!

It's weird to think we all remember before you started Durham

ally said...

I am 41 and my son tells me that at 14 he is more grown up than I am. Who says you have to grow up!!! Lol. Just enjoy your life

debs14 said...

I guess that at my advanced age (!) I ought to be able to answer that question, but I think there's always a part of me that doesn't feel any different to how I did when I was your age.

Beverly said...

I do feel like an adult. I have grown children, a little one that thinks of me as a grandmother, younger women that I mentor. I don't associate being an adult with being bogged down in work and responsibilities. I see it as the joy of having more freedom in your choices, having experienced so much of life and the world...the bitter and the sweet. I am excited about what lies ahead in the last third of my life and seeing how I change and grow :)

alexa said...

I guess, yes and no! When I look in the mirror I am reminded, and I feel the joy of so much life experience which makes me more compassionate and wiser now - but my life energy feels every bit as springy and curious as when I was your age :). A lovely photo of you ... And reflections that deserve to be included on a PL page somewhere!

JO SOWERBY said...

Well I don't feel like an adult and I'm really old so personally I think you're ok. Nursing made me grow up fast and I feel I was an adult in that role but that is a profession. In my private time I am as daft and childlike as I want to be and personally I believe it that ability which keeps us growing as human beings. So don't worry Abi you're doing grand
Jo xxx

Miriam said...

I don't feel any different than how I felt as a young girl.
Still loads to laugh about, and life experiences that make my days even nicer. I try to avoid the mirror now, I see an old lady wearing my clothes and I don't like it!

Laura said...

I'm 47, but I still feel young/youthful, even though my 10-year-old claims that dinosaurs roamed the earth when I was a child. :-) My Mom is twenty years older than me and she says she doesn't feel her age, either. I think some people just pretend to be grown-ups better than others . . . or have a very responsible job where they have to be very mature. Doctor, nurse, soldier, president/prime minister, etc.

Louise said...

It doesn't seem that long ago you were starting uni life! I realise i'm getting old when my sons teachers look not much older than them :) i don't feel old on the inside x

Gail said...

I think Sian and Alexa put it best - I feel the same me as I did then even if next year sees me turning 70 - that one I just can't get my head around.